A little venting

I feel a bit weak and vulnerable right now, and my mind's racing, I feel the need to sort some of these thoughts out so I thought, why not just do a blog instead of writing in a journal I'm going to put in a box and forget about?

My problem has always been the masks I put up. I've been in therapy for years and never really made any real progress because I carry myself too well, I hide the fact that I'm broken down and pretend everything's better than it really is. I have insane mood swings, and I never seem to have therapy sessions during low points, it's always when I'm doing well, then when I'm sad I cover it up with silliness and laughter.

I act like a total clown all the time, especially when I'm sad. I hardly ever tell anyone or let it show, I've only cried in front of a handful of people, ever. If you've ever seen me cry consider yourself special because it means I must really trust you!

The only emotion I have a constructive way of dealing with is anger. I write, I sing, I draw the people I'm mad at, I've done this since I was a kid, I had a whole notebook of drawings of how I was planning on killing one of my teachers! Not really that productive but at least it's a way of venting, one that I don't have for sadness.
I'm actually quite good at drawing caricatures of people I hate though...

I just don't like the idea of people seeing me weak, and I hate the idea that I'm depressed for no reason.
I hate feeling like I'm whining and dragging everyone down around me.

What bothers me the most is not knowing WHY. Why am I sad? Why do I feel so disgusted with myself sometimes?
Even when everything is going great, I have an amazing boyfriend, the best friends in the world, incredibly supportive parents who would do anything for me, I have no reason to feel depressed but I just do, like an ungrateful little brat.
That's why I don't like to talk about it, especially when people try to drag it out of me,
"WHY ARE YOU SAD?"
I honestly don't now!

And I have to be in a really special mood to really think about it or talk about it, like right now, yesterday I was really down but I couldn't put it into words, I just shouted at people randomly and had outbursts of annoyance, now there's nothing distracting me so I have time to really dig into my emotions and sort through them.
I have an easier time writing things down than talking to someone, so I guess I'm killing two birds with one stone.

This way, I can edit myself too, and not make too much of an ass of myself!

But I think this is enough sharing for today, I think this mood calls for really soft pajamas and a movie?