Monday, December 26, 2011

Semantics

I really hate the term "manorexia."
I was watching Silverchair videos on YouTube and a link to an interview with a former male model suffering from anorexia came up. I clicked it and the description said "...also known as Manorexia."
No, it is not! Anorexia is anorexia, doesn't matter if it affects a man or a woman.
It's not like it's a chick disease, I remember reading somewhere that one of the first people ever diagnosed with it was a man, but I can't find the article now so maybe take it with a grain of salt.
When a man has chest pains, we don't call it Mangina.
I don't know... It just really pisses me off because I think it belittles a very serious disorder, and that it could(and probably does) result in men not getting the treatment they need.

--

Also, I hate that when you google the word fat, pictures of fat people come up instead of pictures of, literally, fat. As in the yellow goop that clogs our arteries.
And then, on the first page, this

I freaking hate society. I hate the fact that I feel guilty every time I eat something that isn't celery.
I hate that even at my thinnest, heart palpitations, anemia and all that fun stuff, I was still considered "plus size"

I hate that, since I was a kid, I've been dieting because I was made to feel guilty about having tits and thighs, that today I freak out when my thighs touch.
That not wearing a size extra small feels like the worst thing in the world.

I hate that I'm made to feel ashamed for looking like a woman. And that I give into it by dieting obsessively and feeling ugly when I gain half a gram.

I hate "thinspiration," I hate diet-this and diet-that, low calorie, low carb bullshit.
I hate stick thin people advertising junk food.
I hate special K and diet pills and Tyra Banks and hydroxycut and Atkins and heroin chic!

I wish society made it easier to feel comfortable in your skin. It breaks my heart to see beautiful, intelligent people being eaten alive by their own bodies because of the pressure to fit into a mold.

I know this hasn't been the most articulate blog post but I'm in a pissy mood and I can't sleep, also I've been feeling fat all Christmas and I'm sick of it.
So there.

Go suck a bag of farts, Kate Moss

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

larva


My whole life has been a very surreal experience.
I've always relied on my imagination to get me through the day, especially when times were tough.
I made up stories in my head, back stories for the people who constantly put me down, in which they either died slow and painful deaths or I found out why the hell they were so cruel.
I made up whole other characters in my head, who could I be tomorrow? Today I will be someone who can handle the pain, they will go to school and stand up for me.
It got to a point where I completely lost myself, I changed masks too frequently and I'm still not sure who I am.

Some days I look in the mirror and I don't even look like me anymore. I do, I look the same as I always did, but what I see doesn't match how I feel.


Friday, November 25, 2011

Internets


Yesterday some wrinkled, old, (or living-in-a-world-without-sunscreen) bitch called me a naive plebeian for believing that animals deserve the same respect as humans.
That is all.
No justification, just "Your argument is naive."

I don't know why but it's been ringing in my head all day. Her leathery face haunts me, I can just see her, giggling to herself, patting herself on the back for her oh so clever response.
Everyone else could see how poor it was, but she seemed so sure of it.

Maybe it's just the fact that I couldn't get her to even think about where I was coming from, it is still completely absurd to her that someone DARE compare a human life to a worthless pet. Something that, to me, is such a given.
Why should I matter more than my cats?
What have I ever done for society?

I like to argue on the internet, especially with people whose grammar and spelling is poor. It doesn't give me a head ache, at all.
I love ridiculous comebacks

I like that when I stand up for what I believe in, I get shot down as naive, especially when I plead my case articulately and that's all they have to say back.
/sarcasm

I seriously wrote an essay on why I believe what I believe, and why a human life is not more important than a "simple" house cats, which I can't be arsed to translate into English, and they wrote me off like that.
And... Plebe? Seriously?
Diss.

I have strong opinions, sometimes they aren't the most popular but I don't give a shit, they're my beliefs and if you try to convince me otherwise I will pick a fight.
I will be happy to tell you why you are wrong and I am right.
And if you belittle my point of view and don't have any reasoning, just turn to personal attacks, I will give you the same respect.
I'll just be wittier.

Friday, November 4, 2011

A little venting



I feel a bit weak and vulnerable right now, and my mind's racing, I feel the need to sort some of these thoughts out so I thought, why not just do a blog instead of writing in a journal I'm going to put in a box and forget about?

My problem has always been the masks I put up. I've been in therapy for years and never really made any real progress because I carry myself too well, I hide the fact that I'm broken down and pretend everything's better than it really is. I have insane mood swings, and I never seem to have therapy sessions during low points, it's always when I'm doing well, then when I'm sad I cover it up with silliness and laughter.

I act like a total clown all the time, especially when I'm sad. I hardly ever tell anyone or let it show, I've only cried in front of a handful of people, ever. If you've ever seen me cry consider yourself special because it means I must really trust you!

The only emotion I have a constructive way of dealing with is anger. I write, I sing, I draw the people I'm mad at, I've done this since I was a kid, I had a whole notebook of drawings of how I was planning on killing one of my teachers! Not really that productive but at least it's a way of venting, one that I don't have for sadness.
I'm actually quite good at drawing caricatures of people I hate though...

I just don't like the idea of people seeing me weak, and I hate the idea that I'm depressed for no reason.
I hate feeling like I'm whining and dragging everyone down around me.

What bothers me the most is not knowing WHY. Why am I sad? Why do I feel so disgusted with myself sometimes?
Even when everything is going great, I have an amazing boyfriend, the best friends in the world, incredibly supportive parents who would do anything for me, I have no reason to feel depressed but I just do, like an ungrateful little brat.
That's why I don't like to talk about it, especially when people try to drag it out of me,
"WHY ARE YOU SAD?"
I honestly don't now!

And I have to be in a really special mood to really think about it or talk about it, like right now, yesterday I was really down but I couldn't put it into words, I just shouted at people randomly and had outbursts of annoyance, now there's nothing distracting me so I have time to really dig into my emotions and sort through them.
I have an easier time writing things down than talking to someone, so I guess I'm killing two birds with one stone.

This way, I can edit myself too, and not make too much of an ass of myself!

But I think this is enough sharing for today, I think this mood calls for really soft pajamas and a movie?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Playground Love(not!)


Recently a lot of attention has been brought to the issue of bullying, and as a victim of it, I thought I'd throw in my two cents.

First of all, I am seriously disappointed and angry at society and the media for not making this a bigger issue before, they have talked about it but never this much and it saddens me that it's taken this long. It's something that's been around for so long, and I'm disgusted at how many CHILDREN have taken their own lives as a direct result of this bullshit before people actually decide to talk about how bad it is and take action!

It seems like such a long time since I was 8 years old and felt almost completely alone in the world because everyone, even certain teachers at my school treated me like garbage. I would have thought that in all that time the world would have changed for the better, but no, it's taken a turn for the worst.
An eight year old should never be thinking the world would be better off without them, ever!
At the time, there was all this talk about programs and projects that were supposed to eliminate bullying, and when people spoke about it everyone nodded and agreed that "bullying is bad! Lets treat everyone nicely!"
Yet, the same people constantly treated me like a leper.

I'm not trying to victimize myself here, just pointing out the hypocrisy and ridiculous behavior. I can understand it from kids because kids are idiots and don't always know any better-but adults? Grown ups, GROWN-ASS imbeciles who my parents trusted to educate me and get me ready for adulthood!

Instead, I have spent the majority of my adult life on welfare. I've tried a whole crap load of things to try to get me into a mental state where I'm actually capable of holding a proper job, the longest I've lasted is 4 months(probably shouldn't have said that in case possible future employers find this but whatever). I'm a nervous wreck most of the time which sucks because I know I'm a talented person with a lot of potential which is going to waste because I let some bastards convince me I was worth nothing.

Don't get me wrong, I have come a looong way from the 13 year old with cut up arms and mascara stained cheeks, it has taken so much time and energy but I've learned that I am worth something, I know I don't have to care what other people think!

It's just that, at 23, I still have that eight year old me in the back of my head, that sad, little girl who just wanted approval, questioning everything I do.
The aftershock of bullying.

It pisses me off that so many years have gone by and the situation hasn't changed, there are so many little girls and boys going through what I did. The teacher who did this to me is still teaching impressionable children, some of who will grow up to be like me, others like the bullies, and the rest, the kids she actually liked enough to give positive re-enforcement, will become respectable members of society!

I just hope, for the kids sake, that the media attention will open parents eyes, they'll watch out for signs that something is wrong before their children do something to harm themselves, because it is preventable!

And I wish society would stop being a pretentious asshole, I wish there was less talking and more action.
In an ideal world there would be laws against bullying, just like any other form of violence.

Now, before I start sounding all Miss America or overly whiny over here, I'm going to stop ranting.
Toodles!

VanHoppum

Saturday, October 1, 2011

And I just can't wait until next Halloween!

Seriously, Halloween is my christmas, my birthday and every other holiday rolled up into one night of awesome!

I plan my costume for months sometimes, spend hours sketching and planning, then in thrift stores finding things to make it from, then sweat over sewing machines, glue guns, practicing my make-up, all that stuff.
It's a shame all that time and money go into an outfit I can only wear one night and then stuff in the closet, I wish every day could be Halloween!
This year I was planning on going as Amy Winehouse, or zombie Amy Winehouse 'cause I don't feel like getting a tan, but then two days ago I changed my mind, and now I'm super excited for it again, the Amy Winehouse thing was just kinda... meh...
Seriously though, it's so tempting to always look like a Tim Burton character, and this is such an annoying passion to have since there's not a lot I can do with it!
Sure, I could go into fashion design but would anyone wear my stuff aside from trust fund Goth kids?

Thursday, September 15, 2011

brainfarts and things


Last night I had the most amazing dream!

For some reason I looked like Christina Hendricks, which was kinda awesome because I have the biggest girl crush on her.
I was getting married.
I had two or three different wedding dresses, each with their own set of beautiful lingerie, and INSANE shoes, I want them!!
I don't know who I was getting married to though... Never made it down the isle 'cause I was too busy admiring the clothing.

Then I was at a thrift store. I have dreams where I'm buying lots of clothes all the time, then wake up disappointed. Hate those!
I went home from the thrift store with bags full of clothes and wound up at some USS Enterprise looking house watching a giant flat screen TV that made Flubber-like bubbles and Tom Hanks was there. I don't know why Tom Hanks was there but he was and he was awesome. We kept trying to catch the same flubber bubbles and I kept winning.

THEN, I was half-bear half-human and was hanging out with two bears who were really people but had been cursed.
We went to this Baldurs Gate-ish forest and got attacked by racist metal head bikers or something, so we stabbed them and ran back to the space ship where we all turned human again and the racists couldn't find us.

The end.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Boo!

I'm supposed to be reading To Kill A Mockingbird right now, a book I've been meaning to read for YEARS, and never got around to it, and now I'm taking an English course and have to write an essay on it before October 10. Instead of reading, though, I'm stuck in some ADD cycle, thinking of all the crafts I could be doing or all the cleaning that needs to be done. I also want to take a really long shower, take a nap and play with the cats.

Ooh, and I found a cheap copy of The Bell Jar at the book store. Want to re-read it but I can't right now but it's staring at me and and and...

Why won't anyone give me Ritalin?

Also, French is weird.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Face!

I wanted to write a proper blog post so I asked Matthildur what to write about and she told me "faces" so here goes:

I like faces.
They are found on most people except maybe burn victims, zombies and medical skeletons(they are people too!).
Cats also have faces.
And some ducks, I think.

I'm quite fond of mine, I have two eyes, a nose, a chin, some teeth and things, it's nice and useful for seeing, hearing, smelling and screaming.
It's kinda funny looking when I've just woken up in the morning but I fix it with more sleep and maybe mascara.
And on really bad face days, I wear my hair down and pull a Cousin It when I see someone I know.

Sometimes I see faces in random objects, electrical outlets, my food, cars have faces, it's creepy 'cause some cars are really angry and they're coming at you and you panic, kinda... no?
VW Beetles look really friendly and happy, I like them.

This isn't a very proper blog, I guess, I'll write one when I stop being mentally constipated and actually have something interesting to write about.
Until then, I hope this amuses someone.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

tipsypost

I wonder if cats ever find things we do adorable.
'Cause... every time I bend town to kiss my cat he reaches up and pushes his forehead against my lips, I'm thinking "is he going "awe, the human wants attention, how cute!"
Or when we talk to them(I actually have intelligent conversations with my cats, sometimes I'm really scared I'm the only one who does that), do they think our babbling is as cute as we find their meows?

Okay, they probably don't.
My cat looks at me like they want to kill me unless they want something.
Or if I have food, then they love me.
Even if it's corn flakes or noodles?

This post=not a good idea

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

cleanliness is next to godliness

A month ago or so I moved out of my parents house and into my own little studio apartment in downtown Reykjavík. It's so much nicer than my old room, which was painted half black, half white and had holes in the floor. Also the white parts of the walls had been drawn all over by drunk people. Myself included.
I had made a deal with myself that I wouldn't let my new apartment get as messy as my old room and I think I'm doing a pretty good job except I'm not the cleanliest of girls, so it's still kinda messy.

Yeah, I'm kind of a slob, but sometimes I sweep the floors(the visible parts anyway), wash a few dishes and fold my clothes and put them away, and call myself a housewife.
The only thing I'm obsessed with keeping clean is the cat litter box.

I share a hallway with my landlady, and I'm constantly afraid that my apartment smells really bad and the smell oozes into the hall, especially if it's the smell of cat pee.
I'm scared she'll smell ammonia and think I'm cooking meth in here or something.

I'm also scared all the time that she'll knock on the door to ask for my rent or something and notice a dirty sock on the floor or week old noodles in the sink or that I haven't made my bed, and think I'm really disgusting and get mad 'cause I'm not a good housewife and and and... I don't know...

And then my cats keep dragging sand everywhere and peeing in the shower(seriously) and knocking their food and water bowls over and once they knocked a lamp over and the light bulb broke, it was in the middle of the night but I got up and cleaned it because I was so scared that the land lady would come in, at 4am on a Wednesday!
Like, when I've just cleaned and everything's all nice and shiny I'd want her to come over, it would just be so typical if she did right after my cats had a fit and broke everything!

I never had these worries when I lived with my parents, I really should make myself clean more often!


Friday, August 26, 2011

I have troll teeth

(notmymouthbutikindofwish?)
So so so... when my baby teeth fell out and the ones I have now started growing in, I very quickly realized there was something... off... about them.

1. They were HUGE. Before I grew into them, I got nicknamed Goofy, and likened to a horse by the genius bullies at my school. Eventually I grew into them but they're still kinda huge.
2. I had fangs. My eye teeth came out in front of my front teeth so I looked like the love child of Nosferatu and Gary Busey. This caused me to bite the inside of my upper lip all the time until it got really swollen and raw.
3. Some of my molars grew in sideways? Like... They grew into my mouth, not up. It was odd.

So my dentist sent me to get braces. Since dental care is insanely expensive in Iceland, my mom got a second job to pay for them. Good times. Also, this made the bullies come at me way harder, with incredibly unoriginal insults, which was great.
Two or three painful years later, I got my braces off, and showed up to school with a bright, happy, perfect smile. Minus the fact that my teeth were still too big for my face. Oh, well.

I still have a gap behind my right eye tooth from where they pulled a tooth, another one was supposed to grow back but then it didn't, and I didn't think much of it, just didn't smile very wide, until a couple of years ago when I noticed a bump in my mouth. I went to my dentist, he took some x-rays and told me it was the tooth that was missing. Except it's coming out of the roof of my mouth instead of the gap where it's supposed to go!
I was supposed to get painful and expensive surgery to put it in it's place but I've been putting it off, partly because I'm scared of the pain and I hate anesthesia but mostly because I'd rather spend the money on shoes and food.
And now, I think it's coming out on its own so maybe, mayyybe, I can avoid the surgery and just get braces instead! Happy days!

Except... I'll be a 23 year old with braces.


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I love when good things happen by accident,
I'm getting my adventure! :D

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Otter.

This post is about otters.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Smells like teen spirit

Today I really, REALLY want a time machine.
This feeling comes up a lot, mostly triggered by music or stupid trends.
Today, I don't know what it is. I came home from work and decided to clean my room, put on some music and Nirvana came on, and it made me nostalgic for Grunge, which, again, happens a lot.
I'm hopelessly in love with Chris Cornell and have been since I was a kid.
Soundgarden, Alice In Chains and Pearl Jam helped me through my teenage angst.

I don't know, I guess I'm craving a time where it was socially acceptable to be loud and messy, outspoken and angry.
Sometimes I feel like opinions are discouraged, I have to fight to be 'allowed' to tell my side of the story and when I do, people look at me like I'm crazy.

Is it bad that I think I'd fit in better with a bunch of smelly heroin addicts from the 90's?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Can anybody tell me why I should sing a watermelon love song?

These are the manic ramblings of the caffeine soaked mind of mine.

I will:
Lose weight
Find an apartment that doesn't smell like mold or cost me an arm and a leg
Make it a day without going "meh"

By the end of the summer

I'm sick of just drifting, I'm sick of 'one day at a time.'
I'm sick of Prozac and numbness and people pushing my buttons and waiting for things to get better

I don't know.
I'm gonna be a someone, just watch me.

Monday, June 20, 2011

It puts the lotion in the basket

So uh, that didn't work out so great.
Let us try again.
Two years and still nothing really interesting to say, eh?
Nothing but unpopular opinions of current events and statements of extreme boredom, nothing interesting ever happens in Iceland.

At least not to me.

I wish life would take me on adventures from time to time.